Comfort Zone
So I was sitting there rocking Drake at 5:30 this morning (his usual wake time since birth). He does sometimes sleep in till 6:30, and yes… daddy gets his share of early mornings too!
Maybe I was tired that my husband was out of town(again), maybe I was feeling sorry for myself that I never get to sleep past 6:30 (except a few times in the past 4 years), maybe I was burnt out on watching my son vomit almost daily (if not twice daily) for over a year, maybe I thought about the fact that I would be changing his diaper for the rest of his life ( even when he’s grown and too big to pick-up), maybe I was wondering if the doctors will ever figure out why Drake continues to have episodes of passing out, maybe I was feeling guilty that I’m tired of doing this already… and he’s only 4.
Then what came on TV??? It was a commercial about some college or some store selling something to go to college. I don’t recall which one, that’s not important. It was a beautiful picture of this mom and her son; getting him ready for college, they had gone and bought some goods for his new dorm room, everything matched down to the cool metal trashcan, they were getting new books and moving him into his “new” life. Now I know this was a “picture perfect” scene, I know it was only a commercial, I know that college is expensive (no comparison to the costs of a SN child!!!), I know it always seems greener on the other side… but it still hurt.
I don’t quite know why, I know I’ll get to experience it with my oldest if that’s the route (God willing) he chooses, but I felt sad for Drake (or mostly for me). I felt like I would still be sitting in that same green rocking chair in 14 years from now, rocking an 18 year old man. It sadden me to think he’d never be on his own and that my husband and I would never be “Empty Nester’s”. It hurt that I thought such depressing things.
When what do you know… the commercial was over, I looked down at that sweet angle pie who was finally asleep. Knowing he is safe in my arms, knowing that he is a happier child today than he was3 1/2 years ago, knowing that he never has to give a thought about being hungry, knowing that in his world “Life is Good”, knowing that at any moment this could all come to an end and knowing that one day I will look back on these days and wish I hadn’t wished them all away.
So as for today, the T.V. industry will never know the impact some silly commercial had on me. More importantly Drake will never know I had a tough morning with him… at least for today.
you make mommy smile!
{Please Note: This is a re-post from Drake’s Blog. I was just feeling the need to share another side of “T” today… Thanks for reading!}
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
well thanks for sharing with us all to see. knowing we all should cherish the little unpleasant times more often. sometimes I feel like I just want the day to end and I know I need to cherish this special time of playing and helping them spread their wings. Thanks for bringing me to tears . Just like I have always said Drake and you are so lucky to have each other what a wonderful special bond:) You are an inspiration to me as a mom! Love you.
You touched my heart. I needed to hear this and I know you’ll never understand someone elses life if you don’t walk to their shoes. Thank you for sharing, all mothers need to read this. God bless you and Drake.
I’m so glad you reposted! I liked it the first time and I loved it the second. I also love that photo Nd think it should be a billboard with only one word…JOY.
That was so beautifully written Trish. I so admire you. Your words and actions are an inspiration to all who know you.
I was brought to tears at how you find the joy in a difficult situation. Amazing my friend!! Know this, you are truly loved my many and even though you feel alone, you are not. We all pray daily for you and Drake. Your strenght is amazing and keeps the rest of us going strong! I love you guys!
I love that little guy!!! This is one of my favorite pictures of you two! So blessed to know you and your family!
I just found your blog through Tuesdays Unwrapped. I am so glad that I did. I love the picture that you shared in your post today. I always loved your words that were so real. The strength that you have to endure every day is amazing. Thank you so much for sharing these words today.
This post touched me.
I can empathize with what you are going through ( in a small way as my situation was not as difficult as yours is) and it reminded me of those days when i felt exactly like you do now.
God is good and you are so blessed with such a beautiful child.
Thank you for posting and being so open about your feelings – it helps me feel like i was not alone!
God bless you and your family.
This is beautiful. Your son is blessed to have you.
I had a special needs son that didn’t make it. I don’t say that for any reason other than to say I had my feel sorry moments too, as I thought ahead to what his (our) life would be. So different from my plans. And of course, when he passed away, everything changed from what I thought too. And I had feel sorry moments of a different kind. One didn’t feel worse than the other. It’s grieving.
You are grieving your dreams for Drake, but you are doing it with grace and perspective that makes you a wonderful mother.
Like I said, he is blessed to have you. hugs.
T that was a beautiful entry. I grew up with a differently abled sister who passed away at 18. She lived a good good life and she definitely shaped who I am today. She prepared me for my youngest son Josh who has autism. I can relate to your sentiment and feelings. You expressed them so eloquently and I thank you.
You are a GREAT mom. I’m sure your whole family knows that.
PS Terry Eldridge connected us. I love your site. Some day ti would be great to do lunch.